You can't choose what stays and what fades away
by awesomesausome
Summary: Post 2 x 04. Of all the places he thought he'd end up after the show, in front of Mac's building was not one of them.


In my head, this is going to happen. The title is from the Florence and the Machine song "No Light, No Light." Hope you enjoy!

Disclaimer: I don't own the characters.

* * *

_You want a revelation_

_You wanna get it right_

_But it's a conversation_

_I just can't have tonight_

_You want a revelation_

_Some kind of resolution…_

… _You can't choose what stays and what fades away_

_And I'd do anything to make you stay…_

…_Tell me what you want me to say- _Florence and the Machine

* * *

Of all the places he thought he'd end up after the show, in front of Mac's building was not one of them.

Lonny had tried to talk him out of it when he had asked to be taken to her apartment, but Will was determined.

It was that damn girl from OWS. It was that damn pause that he had given when he answered. The well. Well.

No, he didn't have a girlfriend. He had a well. He had a well and a Mackenzie and a relationship that he sometimes hoped could be salvaged and sometimes thought that it was far too late for it to be saved.

Well.

They had a moment tonight. During the broadcast, she had teased him, he had teased her back, and for just a second it felt like it used to. She had accused him of forgetting for a moment that he was mad at her, and he had snapped at her. She had been nothing but gracious and understanding about the whole thing, about everything he threw at her actually, and he had felt guilty and turned that guilt into a one night stand with Nina Howard. Nina had taken the hint when he didn't answer any of her text messages or phone calls, and finally sent one that just said,

"You should just tell her you love her, you moron."

Between Nina's text message and his stupid well, it had propelled him here. In front of Mac's apartment, entirely unsure of what he was doing.

"What are you going to do?" Lonny had asked on the way over. It had been asked in an exasperated voice. "Do you have a plan?"

"Not exactly," Will answered.

"What does not exactly mean?"

"It means, no, I don't have a plan."

"This is a bad idea," Lonny shook his head.

"Thanks for your vote of confidence," Will smirked.

"I'm just saying, she's a good person and you're going to do something stupid."

"You've always liked her better than me," Will accused, and it was Lonny's turn to smirk.

"Damn straight I do."

* * *

Mackenzie had been having a pretty terrible week.

There was the thing with Jim, which was disappointing. She had expected better of him. Not only did he blow a chance to interview the candidate, but he had done it for a girl. A girl who was not Maggie. He was setting himself up for heartbreak, and Mac wasn't looking forward to watching it happen.

Then there was Maggie. God, Maggie. If Mac had a way to go back in time she would tell Maggie no on the Uganda story. Maggie would hate her maybe, be angry with her and think that Mac was being unfair, but she would be whole and not broken and it would be worth it.

And of course, then there was the OWS girl and that whole mess. It exhausted Mackenzie just thinking about all the hoops they had to jump through to get that girl to help them out. Damn Will and his smugness. Damn Sloan and her smugness. Damn Don and his smugness.

But Will had saved the day, sort of. They had already found the guy, but Will had still wanted to make things right, and that was one of the things she loved about him. Oh damn it, there was that too. She loved him, and it was becoming increasingly harder to work with him every day and know that she had blown her chance.

Especially when they had moments like they had tonight where she thinks there might be at least a small sliver of hope. It's the hope that's going to kill her.

If she had to pinpoint a moment where it had started to become unbearable working with Will, it was probably the night she called Nina to thank her for not running the 9/11 piece. She had asked Nina what the voicemail had said and Nina told her it was Will praising her work on the Bin Laden coverage, and Mac had to admit that she was incredibly disappointed. She had thought for sure that there was more to it than that. A part of her, a stupid, masochistic part, had even thought maybe, just maybe, the message had been him admitting that he still loved her. She figured there had to be a reason that he was being so secretive about the whole thing, so adamant that she not find out what was in the message.

She had been wrong, and it was that moment that she started to feel hopeless.

She had just poured herself a well deserved glass of wine when her phone rang.

Will.

She thought about not answering, but she could never not answer Will's calls. Her inability to let go of Will was becoming a problem that was becoming detrimental to her well being.

"Hello?"

"Hi Mac, it's me. I'm in front of your building, could you let me up?" Of all the things she had been expecting, that was not one of them.

"What?"

"I'm outside. Could you buzz me up?"

"What are you doing here?"

"I'm not sure?" She heard Lonny snicker in the background, and she did not have the energy to deal with this right now. She was quiet for a long moment, enough time to make Will squirm. "Mac?"

"Yeah, okay, hold on. I'll tell the doorman to let you up." She hung up with Will and called down to the security desk in her lobby. She threw back her glass of wine and quickly poured herself another one, but she knew it was a lost cause. There wasn't enough alcohol in the world to help when it came to her and Will.

* * *

Will had successfully completed the first task, to get Mac to let him up. He wasn't sure what he was going to say, but he just...well, he missed her, goddamn it.

When she pulled open the door, she looked confused.

"What are you doing here?" She asked again.

"I think maybe we need to talk."

"Tonight? It's been a pretty rough week, Will, can we table what I'm sure will be an emotionally exhaustive conversation until I have a little more energy?" He took a good look at her, and had to admit that she did look exhausted.

"Mac, I slept with Nina Howard." That...was not what he thought he was going to start with. It just sort of slipped out, and Mac looked like she had been physically punched.

She didn't say anything, she walked to her coffee table and picked up a glass of wine and drained it.

"Seriously, I can't take this right now, Will," she said softly.

"I'm telling you that because..." She held up a hand and interrupted him.

"It's none of my business who you sleep with."

"It was only once," he tried again. "And I'm telling you that because I thought we should be honest with each other. And the second thing I have to be honest about is that I miss you."

"Will," she warned.

"And I should tell you what was in that voicemail," he continued.

"You don't have to, Nina told me it was you telling me what a great job I had done that night. I'm not sure what the big deal was, why you wouldn't tell me. Was it just another way of you punishing me?" God he was an asshole. Another way? The worst part was that she was right. He had been punishing her, and she had taken it. Brian Brenner had been to punish her for not loving him anymore, not replying to his message, a message that she had never heard, and he had to admit that brining in Brian hadn't been one of his proudest moments.

"That wasn't...that wasn't all I said," he told her. "Nina wasn't...full disclosure...you called when she was in my bathroom. And I'm not saying that to hurt you, I'm just giving you context."

"I don't..."

"Mac," he said.

"Will, seriously, I don't need to hear this. I've had a terrible week. A really, _really_ terrible week, and you coming here and telling me that you slept with Nina Howard is the very last thing I need. Do you understand me? The very last thing," Mackenzie could feel herself becoming more irate. All of the frustration and all of the terribleness of the week was bubbling up.

"I came here tonight," Will started.

"To hurt me more," Mackenzie interrupted. "Because that's a fun pastime for you."

"No!"

"No?"

"No," he sighed. Lonny was right. He was screwing this up. And he had hurt her. It had been a pastime for him, but it had never been fun. It had always felt hollow, but he couldn't ever seem to stop doing it.

"You knew I called? Nina told you I called?" Mac asked.

"Yes, she said that you called, but she didn't tell me what you talked about," he said. She closed her eyes and felt sick.

"You must have thought I was pathetic," Mac poured herself another glass of wine.

"No, Mac," Will could feel the conversation going wildly out of control and he struggled to bring it back. This was not what he wanted to do. This is not how he wanted this to go.

Well.

Damn that well.

"I think you should leave," Mac said firmly. She started towards the door, and he scrambled to block her path.

"Please, Mac, I'm trying to tell you what the message said. I _did_ tell you what a great job you had done that night. I believe the exact words I used were that you were spectacular," he told her. "You're always spectacular." He paused. He wanted to get this right. He _needed _to get this right.

"And I told you that I never stopped loving you." Mac froze, her eyes wide.

"What?"

"I never stopped loving you," he repeated. "That's what the message said. It told you to ignore it if you didn't feel the same way, but that I loved you." Mackenzie swallowed hard, trying to think of the right thing to say. Her mind was racing in a thousand different directions.

"And is that...I mean that was a few months ago," she cleared her throat. "Do you still?" Will let out an incredulous laugh.

"Oh God, Mac, I'm pretty sure I'll always love you," he admitted. "My question is, do you still love me?" It was Mackenzie's turn to laugh, a liquid sound that turned into a sob halfway.

"Oh Billy," she put a hand to her mouth and nodded a few hundred times. "Of course I love you, you idiot. Did you really think I didn't?"

"Well, when you didn't respond," he explained.

"That damn Nina Howard," Mackenzie sobbed.

"Hey, come here," he held out his arms, and Mac didn't hesitate. She wrapped her arms around his waist and he tightened his hold on her, dropping his cheek to rest against the top of her head.

"That damn Nina Howard," she repeated, but her voice was calmer this time.

"It was a mistake, and not one of my finest decisions," he admitted. He titled her head up and pressed a kiss to her lips. "I'm so sorry, Mac. I should have just told you what the message said. I was being a coward."

"And kind of a douchebag," she added, and he pulled away and gave her a glare. "I'm just telling it how it is." But she had a smile on her face, and he dropped a kiss against her smiling lips.

"You should call Lonny," Mac said when they broke apart. "Tell him you're in for the night." She had an impish grin on her face, and he laughed. He dug his phone out of his pocket.

"Did you screw it up?" Lonny asked when he answered.

"I did not," Will answered. "I think you can go ahead and leave for the night. I'll call you in the morning." And he hung up the phone to the sound of Lonny's booming laugh.


End file.
